This can be an incredibly tricky week for those of us who have left religion behind but also have family members who still celebrate Easter and all the “holy days” leading up to it.  I find my situation to be even more complicated because I used to be a Christian minister, so my extended family still can’t make the adjustment to my agnostic atheism even after having “come out” in some way to them 7-8 years ago. I was in a conversation with my dad yesterday (he is a Methodist Christian who has become more religious over the last 10 yrs), and while he knows what I believe now, he still asked me, “Well, what are you guys doing about celebrating on Easter with the kids?”

What else could I say but, “Well, we will have a pretty normal Sunday, dad, except that we may color eggs and eat more chocolate than usual.  We don’t celebrate the religious themes of Easter, but we’ll probably remind the kids that a lot of people have those beliefs and it’s ok that we don’t.”  

We’ve had the same answer for years now, so why ask this question if he knows the answer and really doesn’t want to hear it said out loud? I believe it is because he is struggling to accept the reality of our differences. This can be difficult with religion because it has ties to our familial histories, our moral beliefs, and the way we express those things in public life through government policy, Religious belief as a cultural influence has many landmines, so don’t let anyone convince you that it’s simply a matter of one person believing in god(s) and another person not believing.

So how do I answer my family if they disregard what they already know about me and ask about my religious belief and how we handle that as family? What if I answered directly and calmly?:

“No, the kids don’t believe in Jesus.  No, none of us are going to heaven or hell.  In fact, we aren’t going anywhere after we die, because the time for ‘going’ is over at that point.  We’ve gone and gone and gone every day of our lives and we had our chance to “go” in a way that made sense to us and made our part of the world a little better.   I don’t need a meta-narrative about a God-Father-Son-Spirit being who exists outside of time and space but has an undefined and inscrutable measure of influence on our existence.”

While that might be satisfying to write and to imagine myself saying, the truth is that I can’t help them by explaining what I believe when they have no interest in exploring that. To explain it accomplishes nothing and only burdens the conversation with an irreconcilable difference. I think the answer is much simpler:

• Remain true to who I am
• Answer in kindness
• Limit explanations
• Remain curious about the perspectives of others

I do not carry around any real hope for a fully authentic connection with my religious extended family members, but keeping the above can perhaps bring a sense of inner peace to these relationships, especially when challenging topics are brought up.

Cover image Photo by Bee Felten-Leidel on Unsplash